I was just painting and I heard a song by Katie Melua on my iTunes that reminds me of where I was spiritually about a year ago. This is the part of that really stood out to me.
"How can I think I'm standing strong,
Yet feel the air beneath my feet?
How can happiness feel so wrong?
How can misery feel so sweet?"
I remember so vividly when I heard this song for the first time and how I could really identify with those words. It made me cry then for very complicated reasons and it makes me tear up now because I remember just how hopeless I felt then (when I could relate). And what is so sweet about it now it that right after that song played on iTunes, it shuffled to the next song with was "O Love That Will Not Let Me Go." I think the title says enough right there. These two songs show me how much I have hope where I did not have it before. Really the whole hymn is so profound and great but here is just one poignant verse:
"O Joy that seekest me through pain,
I cannot close my heart to thee;
I trace the rainbow through the rain,
And feel the promise is not vain,
That morn shall tearless be."
Only God can redeem something so wretched and turned it around so we can see His love.
Friday, May 30
Pray that I don't crack
Moving out of my apartment caused me to review the year that I spent living there. I'm very thankful for what I have learned about myself and more importantly what I have learned about God during the past year. Most of what I've learned about God has just been in the past few months. I thought I knew Him before, but now I am just amazed and baffled and realize that I don't have anything figured out. All I know is this: God is going to love and extend His grace to me whether or not I want Him too. He has picked me up out of the dirt even while I was still contemplating rolling around in the mud. On Sunday, Pastor Hal described it as feeling the tears of the Father on my sinful neck. It is something that is pretty hard to describe.
What I was originally thinking about when I started writing this post was that I feel like I'm in a pressure cooker right now. With moving out, finishing my Maymester class, working out the new living situation and thinking about job interviews...I feel like the pressure is just building and building. Last night, as I laid down on my air mattress to go to sleep, I cried for a few minutes just to release the pressure. I kind of thought of it like a steam valve that needed opening so I wouldn't explode. So I'm pretty stressed and that's ok because these are stressful things I am dealing with. I just keep praying that I don't crack. I haven't so far, I've pretty much held it together without the aid of any chemical substances (well...there has been a good amount of caffeine involved). So I know that the help must be from above. I have been praying and praying that God will give me the strength, energy and focus to be able to get all of these things done without a major breakdown. I have to trust Him because I feel like there is no other choice. Especially with the job and living issues because I did not initiate those things this week. He brought forth opportunities in both of those areas on Monday and it was not my doing. So I'm not getting anxious about them just yet. It's all going to be fine.
What I was originally thinking about when I started writing this post was that I feel like I'm in a pressure cooker right now. With moving out, finishing my Maymester class, working out the new living situation and thinking about job interviews...I feel like the pressure is just building and building. Last night, as I laid down on my air mattress to go to sleep, I cried for a few minutes just to release the pressure. I kind of thought of it like a steam valve that needed opening so I wouldn't explode. So I'm pretty stressed and that's ok because these are stressful things I am dealing with. I just keep praying that I don't crack. I haven't so far, I've pretty much held it together without the aid of any chemical substances (well...there has been a good amount of caffeine involved). So I know that the help must be from above. I have been praying and praying that God will give me the strength, energy and focus to be able to get all of these things done without a major breakdown. I have to trust Him because I feel like there is no other choice. Especially with the job and living issues because I did not initiate those things this week. He brought forth opportunities in both of those areas on Monday and it was not my doing. So I'm not getting anxious about them just yet. It's all going to be fine.
Wednesday, May 28
Packing
I'm taking a short break from packing. The movers are coming tomorrow and I'm not finished yet! I get weary every few hours, so I try to take short breaks to rest and get motivated again. I've already packed all of my kitchen utensils and I don't have much food here. So for my midnight snack I'm having frozen blueberries that are turning my fingers purple, and the last little bit of Pinot Grigio served in a Locos kiddie cup that didn't get packed yet. So random.
As many of you know, I am not at all an organized person. I am actually a self-proclaimed pack rat and there in no rhyme or reason to the things I keep in drawers for years. So I'm quite proud of myself for the amount of things I have actually thrown away this week without a moment's hesitation! I'm especially proud that I didn't waste time reading all the notes or details of what I once considered "keepsakes." I just tossed them. I still have a bunch of stuff....letters and notes from people that are still so special to me, photos, books, etc. So I keep going back to the store to buy more boxes because I honestly didn't realize that I have so much stuff!
I was trying to come up with a "Top 10 things that make packing fun" list, just to amuse myself while I'm working on this.
But I only came up with 2 fun things, 1) finding unexpected items--like the match to a shoe I've been missing for a while or sometimes even some money! Most of the money I've found are euros which is worth way more than the dollar. 2) Using bubble wrap. Although I'm trying not to pop the bubbles because I want the stuff to be protected, I still smile when I hear it go "pop" accidentally.
Check out this clip of Mr. Bean Packing. It's on YouTube but does not allow embedding so you'll have to follow the link. I can kind of relate to his problems.
As many of you know, I am not at all an organized person. I am actually a self-proclaimed pack rat and there in no rhyme or reason to the things I keep in drawers for years. So I'm quite proud of myself for the amount of things I have actually thrown away this week without a moment's hesitation! I'm especially proud that I didn't waste time reading all the notes or details of what I once considered "keepsakes." I just tossed them. I still have a bunch of stuff....letters and notes from people that are still so special to me, photos, books, etc. So I keep going back to the store to buy more boxes because I honestly didn't realize that I have so much stuff!
I was trying to come up with a "Top 10 things that make packing fun" list, just to amuse myself while I'm working on this.
But I only came up with 2 fun things, 1) finding unexpected items--like the match to a shoe I've been missing for a while or sometimes even some money! Most of the money I've found are euros which is worth way more than the dollar. 2) Using bubble wrap. Although I'm trying not to pop the bubbles because I want the stuff to be protected, I still smile when I hear it go "pop" accidentally.Check out this clip of Mr. Bean Packing. It's on YouTube but does not allow embedding so you'll have to follow the link. I can kind of relate to his problems.
Friday, May 16
Skee Ball and Microfiche
The past few days have really brought back memories of childhood. 
First, I was doing research in the library for my thesis. And the articles and papers I needed to look at are stored in the basement of the library on microfiche! I can't remember why I even used the microfiche machine when I was little, but I do remember that I used it at the county library for some kind of research project. 
Then I was at the gas station spending a fortune to fill up my tank. Their digital credit card machine was out of order so the guy had to use the hand-held machine. I had no idea what it's called--but you know the one....where they make an imprint of your card number and name on the carbon paper. That was flashback to the 80s number two.
The third reminder of how much fun that decade was came when a couple of my friends decided that happy hour was the same as always and kind of boring today. Somehow we started talking about Skee Ball and how much fun it is.
So we ditched the bar and went to Chuck E Cheese where we were surprise to find two things: 1) the pizza is really not that terrible (no worse than Little Italy) and 2) they sell beer and wine at Chuck E Cheese!? We did not partake in those refreshments because we would rather spend our money on tokens for Skee Ball than on beer and wine who brand and vintage is not even specified! We thought that it must not be very good. Three 20-somethings and 54 tokens later, we ended up with around 225 tickets. I did not recall that the tickets really don't get you anything of value at Chuck E Cheese. So we spent 150 tickets on a bag of cotton candy and gave the other 75 to little kids who were collecting them and saving them up for some big pillow or something. We ate cotton candy and looked at shoes in the store next door until our stomach's ached from all the sugar and air. Overall, it was one of the most fun and random evenings I've spent in a long time!
This week just felt a little more like 1988 than 2008 at times. I didn't mind though because I loved being 8 yrs. old and lip syncing Debbie Gibson songs. Maybe I'll just record that new song "Bleeding Love" from the radio onto a cassette tape, pop it in my Walkman and complete this strange week of throwbacks.
First, I was doing research in the library for my thesis. And the articles and papers I needed to look at are stored in the basement of the library on microfiche! I can't remember why I even used the microfiche machine when I was little, but I do remember that I used it at the county library for some kind of research project. 
Then I was at the gas station spending a fortune to fill up my tank. Their digital credit card machine was out of order so the guy had to use the hand-held machine. I had no idea what it's called--but you know the one....where they make an imprint of your card number and name on the carbon paper. That was flashback to the 80s number two.
The third reminder of how much fun that decade was came when a couple of my friends decided that happy hour was the same as always and kind of boring today. Somehow we started talking about Skee Ball and how much fun it is.
So we ditched the bar and went to Chuck E Cheese where we were surprise to find two things: 1) the pizza is really not that terrible (no worse than Little Italy) and 2) they sell beer and wine at Chuck E Cheese!? We did not partake in those refreshments because we would rather spend our money on tokens for Skee Ball than on beer and wine who brand and vintage is not even specified! We thought that it must not be very good. Three 20-somethings and 54 tokens later, we ended up with around 225 tickets. I did not recall that the tickets really don't get you anything of value at Chuck E Cheese. So we spent 150 tickets on a bag of cotton candy and gave the other 75 to little kids who were collecting them and saving them up for some big pillow or something. We ate cotton candy and looked at shoes in the store next door until our stomach's ached from all the sugar and air. Overall, it was one of the most fun and random evenings I've spent in a long time! This week just felt a little more like 1988 than 2008 at times. I didn't mind though because I loved being 8 yrs. old and lip syncing Debbie Gibson songs. Maybe I'll just record that new song "Bleeding Love" from the radio onto a cassette tape, pop it in my Walkman and complete this strange week of throwbacks.
Wednesday, May 7
Look at me! How dare you look at me!?
I'm going to participate in a panel for the Computers and Writing conference held at UGA at the end of May. I will be talking about RCLGA but I was just browsing through some of the other papers people are giving at this conference, and I came across a panel titled "Look at Me! How Dare You Look at Me!: Identity, Representation and the Digital Communicative Act." I thought this was a hilarious title that describes so accurately what we see happening with blogs and social networking websites these days. Here is a quote from Morgan Gresham's proposal for this panel:
"Our voyeur culture totally feeds into our need to tell everyone/anyone about ourselves – only to become upset when our privacy is invaded. If people are now destined to share *everything*, then some of us are now destined to control, to hide, to deny everything. Fear of self-disclosure is problematic as it is audience awareness to the extreme. Identity is something we piece together and we perform; identity is composed. That is why it is hard to create an online space. 1) We don't know who we want to be, and 2) We don't know who will be seeing the identity that is created in a particular space."
This is something I really started to think about when I was a high school teacher. One of my students posted on his blog very violent details about how he wanted to kill me. I'm sure it never crossed his mind that I might read what he had written when I "googled" my own name. But he obviously wanted someone to read it, just not me. The problem with the internet is that, even though some sites have privacy settings and controls, we really never know who is reading our stuff. So, like the above quote identifies, we have no idea who our audience is. And so much of what we actually say in life is determined by our audience. I'm not going to go into the philosophical or psychological implications of identity that follow from that. But the truth is, I have no idea who is really even reading this post right now! It seems like so many people want to show of their lives on the internet but then get really offended when people actually look to see what they've posted. I'm not saying it's wrong to have these conflicting feelings...it's just kind of bizarre, don't you think?
Just something to ponder...
"Our voyeur culture totally feeds into our need to tell everyone/anyone about ourselves – only to become upset when our privacy is invaded. If people are now destined to share *everything*, then some of us are now destined to control, to hide, to deny everything. Fear of self-disclosure is problematic as it is audience awareness to the extreme. Identity is something we piece together and we perform; identity is composed. That is why it is hard to create an online space. 1) We don't know who we want to be, and 2) We don't know who will be seeing the identity that is created in a particular space."
This is something I really started to think about when I was a high school teacher. One of my students posted on his blog very violent details about how he wanted to kill me. I'm sure it never crossed his mind that I might read what he had written when I "googled" my own name. But he obviously wanted someone to read it, just not me. The problem with the internet is that, even though some sites have privacy settings and controls, we really never know who is reading our stuff. So, like the above quote identifies, we have no idea who our audience is. And so much of what we actually say in life is determined by our audience. I'm not going to go into the philosophical or psychological implications of identity that follow from that. But the truth is, I have no idea who is really even reading this post right now! It seems like so many people want to show of their lives on the internet but then get really offended when people actually look to see what they've posted. I'm not saying it's wrong to have these conflicting feelings...it's just kind of bizarre, don't you think?
Just something to ponder...
Tuesday, May 6
Kudos to Dr. K
OnlineAthens.com | UGANews | Preserving the spoken word focus of linguistics project 05/03/08
http://onlineathens.com/stories/050308/uganews_200...
http://onlineathens.com/stories/050308/uganews_200...
This article is about my professor and the Linguistic Atlas Project. I will be working with the project for my Masters thesis. I'm so excited about the grant and that it has been publicized so much!
Catching My Breath
Once again, I am taking my semester right down to the wire. I just finished a project that is due in about an hour and a half. But I really don't think I completely procrastinated on this one. I mean, I did have a partner to work with, which always changes the way I work on things. Anyway, it's done. I feel good about it. I think we did a good job. My part just happened to be the last part and it took me longer than expected to get everything in our XML file to validate against the DTD and transform correctly through XSL. If those letters mean nothing to you, just ignore them. If you know what I'm talking about, then you probably understand why it took me longer than expected to get all of those things working together since I'm such an amateur.
So I'm catching my breath very briefly before I go take a shower, then present our project, then start cleaning my apartment and throwing stuff away so that Michelle can come and help me pack tomorrow. I can't believe how excited she is about packing up all of my things. She was talking about packing with me the way I would talk about going on vacation to the beach or something! I'm so glad that someone enjoys it though and that we are all made differently.
I just wanted to write something here to explain that I haven't disappeared. I'm just busy busy busy these days! And if you want to help pack or paint, you know where to find me! (I hope)
So I'm catching my breath very briefly before I go take a shower, then present our project, then start cleaning my apartment and throwing stuff away so that Michelle can come and help me pack tomorrow. I can't believe how excited she is about packing up all of my things. She was talking about packing with me the way I would talk about going on vacation to the beach or something! I'm so glad that someone enjoys it though and that we are all made differently. I just wanted to write something here to explain that I haven't disappeared. I'm just busy busy busy these days! And if you want to help pack or paint, you know where to find me! (I hope)
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